I Scream Inside

Written during the #TakeHeart residency project Fanfiction.

Till today, every time I see two doors of the toilette
I scream inside
It’s just like thousands of moments in my school time
Like every time we stood in a line divided to girls’ and boys’ parts
I screamed inside

When the class teacher said
“I will arrange you a same-sex desk-mate to prevent you from being in love too early”
I screamed inside

When some girls touched my thigh and said
“We’re both girls so it’s fine”
I screamed inside

There were some male characters in animation, I could relate to them very well. And other ones I wanted to live like them. I trained my voice lower and hoped to be a professional voice over actor who only plays male characters so I could be male when I’m at work. Then people started saying: you have a natural alto voice.
I screamed inside.

When my family complimented a family member for being smart, being a good pupil, studying medicine, becoming a doctor… They always added: but it’s a pity that he still doesn’t date a woman. They don’t even accuse him for being gay, they just don’t give up the hope that someday he will be straight.
I screamed inside.

When I asked my father, if someday my mother become a man, will you still love him? He said no.
I screamed inside.

I used “we boys” to start a sentence
I interfered a bullying case among boys
I got the animation porn they were curious of 
I drunk alcohol to show my masculinity
My classmates laughed at me
Only I knew I screamed inside

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